Sturm und Drang

I have no particular talent for foreign languages, and I've never even attempted to learn German. So I'm not totally sure if their language is generally jam-packed with phenomenal, somewhat untranslatable words, or if their national interests overlap with my own. Because the Germans certainly own the vocabulary house in two areas: 

1. Words that describe inner turmoil and a seething, tumultuous inner life (sturm und drang translates as 'storm and stress' in the same way that angst translates as 'fear'.) Other fun ones: wanderlust (yes, it's German, who knew?), schaudenfreud (an inexcusably ugly emotion, but eh, I guess it happens), sehnsucht (profound existential longing), weltschmerz (this word is specifically discussed by John Steinbeck in The Winter of Our Discontent and by David Foster Wallace in Infinite Jest, which provides me with enough context clues to know that I don't want to think too hard about anything this word describes right now), and, my personal favorite: futterneid (jealousy of someone else's food, I'm assuming in a restaurant type situation.) 

2. Words to describe aspects of horse movement. Who doesn't love schwung? Though durchlassigkeit is pretty good too. I don't know if there's a connection there. I suppose that Germans just get what's important in life: bad moods, horse riding, and delicious sausage. 

I have no doubt that anyone who has ever met me or read my recent blog posts is surprised to learn that I've been in a bit of a funk lately. So, for the time being, I'm setting aside my as-yet-unpublished phonebook-length musings on my horseback riding trip in Slovenia. To be completed on some future, sunny day, when lateral movements don't seem quite so earth shatteringly important. This is an instance where my somewhat short attention span comes in handy. I do sometimes find it difficult to force myself to complete long, boring tasks, but being depressed falls under that category, too. I'm already starting to get bored with/amused by my own angst. And as Morrissey himself said, "The world may be ending, but look, I'm only human." (Get well soon, Moz!)

Yesterday I utilized my fairly new, totally excellent health insurance by getting my wonky left shoulder x-rayed and consulting with an orthopedic surgeon. It's been a nagging issue for about oh, a dozen or so years. Which yes, is a ridiculously long time to live with something. I have been able to get it down to a manageable level of discomfort with self-care (stretching, exercise, rolling around the floor on tennis balls), and also getting the odd bit of professional massage and acupuncture. It's gotten better, but it's never gone away entirely. And honestly, I didn't even realize that there were doctors a person could consult about such things. But it affects my rein contact on that side, so, y'know, time to get it fixed. (And any time you can hear your body parts click and crunch when you move them, that's probably not a good thing.)

But it turns out that the underlying issue is not a big deal and it sounds totally manageable. It's probably just some scar tissue that developed in response to mild bursitis (I think? We talked about scapular something something.) I got a prescription for 18 physical therapy sessions - 3x a week for 6 weeks! - which seems like a lot. I plan on asking all sorts of questions about my other physical oddities/nagging complaints, since I'm pretty sure I can get the shoulder exercise routine down in less than 18 hours. So basically it comes down to this: I need to be systematically exercised to develop evenness, strength and balance so I can carry myself correctly. Never ask a horse to do something you wouldn't do yourself, that's what I say.

I am starting the slow process of horse shopping. This was previously a source of funk for me (and not good James Brown funk, I'm talking musty laundry left in the washer too long funk.) Because what if I never find a horse and what if I can't even ride and my life is ruined and I end up living under a bridge in a box or appearing on reality TV programs because my life is so empty and meaningless that I can't cope? Which was not a logical or reasonable interpretation of things. But my brain likes melodrama and hyperbole, and I can't reason with it. So I'm going to trick it into being ready to look at horses that actually meet all of my criteria by the time Trainer Dude gets back from Florida. I think I'm gonna do this by going to look at some massively under budget horses local(ish)y that I know I'll be able to ride (because they're advertised with the tag lines like "Wheel granny out of the nursing home - her dream horse is here!" and "Earnest, hardworking horse only knows how to do two things, and he does them really well!") 

Up until now I haven't felt totally comfortable with the idea tire-kicking horses, because I didn't want to waste people's time and all that. But now I get it. If I know I can ride it, and I know I can afford it, and I'm not totally sure I even want it, there's no pressure. And I can just get used to the process of going to look at horses. It's the same reason you don't go looking for a relationship by waiting for your Destined Soulmate & True Love to show up, you go on dates with people you can (initially, at least) take or leave, and get to know them. So that when you go on a date with someone you actually do really like, you don't creep them out with the googly-eyes and hand-sweating and whatnot. (Yeah, I totally came up with this theory way back when I was dating.) 

So, things are on the up. Keep the faith!

-Beth